Thursday, December 09, 2004
She looks like someone who was permanently traumatized when her parents sat her down on the night of Halloween when she was 9, as she eagerly waited in her superhero outfit to go trick-or-treating, and told her they were getting a divorce. Because daddy is a cheating son-of-a-bitch homosexual. She never did get to go out trick-or-treating that night, as her mother quickly packed her and all her stuff up into the station wagon and peeled out of the driveway, accidentally hitting and killing her cocker spaniel Cuddles in the process. The psychological trauma of this series of events was never dealt with, because she was quickly plunged into the hell of tenements, welfare and food stamps as her mother had no bankable job skills other than giving a mean blowjob, which was something she fortunately discovered with the help of a kind, drag queen living next door. She went through life lost and numb, until one day, at the age of 14, while going through some old boxes looking for something of value to hawk on the street to trade for food as she hadn't eaten in days and her mother hadn't been home in weeks, she found her superhero costume from that fateful night so many years ago. And then it all flooded back...the fear...the anger...the confusion...and most importantly, the pain...of a girl interrupted. Something in her brain shortcircuited as she squeezed into the costume and for the first time in years, felt empowered and alive. She disappeared from her house, prancing the streets of Chicago for days, performing mindboggling deeds of "superhuman" wonder with a wand made from a toilet plunger handle with a used condom wrapped around its end and wearing a tiara made of take-out foil, until the cops picked her up and sent her to a psych hospital. No one ever came to claim her and she became a ward of the state. To this day, she still walks the halls of the hospital, asking to be referred to as Girl Wondrous and speaking with an inconsistent Medieval accent. She refuses to wear anything but her superhero outfit, but the kind nurses who have watched her grow up in the hospital pitch in every year to replace her costume when the old one gets worn out. Somewhere along the course of things, she was discovered to be pregnant, but the hospital is keeping this quiet to avoid scandal. When asked who the father is, she always replies with a faraway blissful look in her eyes, "He's someone magical." Staff and fellow patients have been warned against teasing her in regards to if the father is Superman, as these questions promptly cause her to erupt violently, screaming, "Superman is a cheating son-of-a-bitch homosexual!!" while attempting to bludgeon the enquirer with the giant, yellow foam finger that the hospital has allowed her to wield as her super-weapon.