12/3/04

He looks like a guy who produces and hosts his own public access show in Michigan, giving tips on model train maintenance and development to fellow enthusiasts. While his bio in his homemade press kit makes a mere cursory mention of his having retired from a career as a high school biology teacher to pursue his lifelong hobbies, what it doesn't elaborate on is the fact that "retired" means "forced to resign even though charges were dropped because of a legal technicality" and "life long hobbies" means "child pornography." Strictly Anglo child pornography. His devoted wife of 34 years works diligently from home stuffing envelopes for a company that recruits people to work from home, stuffing envelopes. They have never had sexually relations, as she is a devout Christian, and takes the views of the Bible literally, though unfortunately, dogmatic misinterpretations run rampant as neither she nor anyone else in her social circle has a reading level above the 4th grade and they mostly "guess" about the meanings of the big words. She is having a secret, torrid pen-pal affair with an armed robberer named Jerome who is incarcerated in a state penitentiary in Kansas. They met in an aol chatroom, and he thinks she is a 22 year old Latina (she forwarded him a picture she saved from an adult site pop-up ad) going to school to be a nurse. With his wife happily occupied, he spends all of his time in his basement. Some of his time is spent working on a 300 sq. foot elaborate landscape for his train set. Most of it is spent fantasizing about dismembering his wife and mailing little pieces of her off to the anonymous recipients of the printed address labels her company sends her that are littered all over the house. He eats the same dinner every night, alone in his basement, which consists of canned sardines, a boiled potato, rye toast with unsalted butter and milk. Unfortunately, the chemicals used to preserve the sardines have mildly mutated his cells, elongating his head by 1.32 millimeters each year. He has been eating this meal since he was 12. After he dies and his wife moves in with her cousin, future inhabitants of his house will always complain about a mysterious moldy smell that never seems to go away.