Saturday, December 04, 2004

12/3/04


Posted by Hello

He looks like a guy who produces and hosts his own public access show in Michigan, giving tips on model train maintenance and development to fellow enthusiasts. While his bio in his homemade press kit makes a mere cursory mention of his having retired from a career as a high school biology teacher to pursue his lifelong hobbies, what it doesn't elaborate on is the fact that "retired" means "forced to resign even though charges were dropped because of a legal technicality" and "life long hobbies" means "child pornography." Strictly Anglo child pornography. His devoted wife of 34 years works diligently from home stuffing envelopes for a company that recruits people to work from home, stuffing envelopes. They have never had sexually relations, as she is a devout Christian, and takes the views of the Bible literally, though unfortunately, dogmatic misinterpretations run rampant as neither she nor anyone else in her social circle has a reading level above the 4th grade and they mostly "guess" about the meanings of the big words. She is having a secret, torrid pen-pal affair with an armed robberer named Jerome who is incarcerated in a state penitentiary in Kansas. They met in an aol chatroom, and he thinks she is a 22 year old Latina (she forwarded him a picture she saved from an adult site pop-up ad) going to school to be a nurse. With his wife happily occupied, he spends all of his time in his basement. Some of his time is spent working on a 300 sq. foot elaborate landscape for his train set. Most of it is spent fantasizing about dismembering his wife and mailing little pieces of her off to the anonymous recipients of the printed address labels her company sends her that are littered all over the house. He eats the same dinner every night, alone in his basement, which consists of canned sardines, a boiled potato, rye toast with unsalted butter and milk. Unfortunately, the chemicals used to preserve the sardines have mildly mutated his cells, elongating his head by 1.32 millimeters each year. He has been eating this meal since he was 12. After he dies and his wife moves in with her cousin, future inhabitants of his house will always complain about a mysterious moldy smell that never seems to go away.

18 comments:

Unknown said...

He looks like he has a great big round forehead. He's saying, "Look at my great big round head! It is so big that you cannot fail to notice it?"
He says these things in a Southern accent---- although he's from Penobscot,Vermont. That's why all the townfolk love him.

bunny said...

What did he die of, and what did his wife do living @ the cousin's after he died? I can't draw conjecture - I'm too enraptured with your story.

Pisser said...

He collects model trains, model landscapes, and engineer hats. He has been wearing engineer hats since he was three and only takes them off during showers and in church - but not during sex.

Fortunately, the last has only happened twice in the last sixteen years, resulting in the births of his two sons, Lionel and Amtrak.

Unfortunately, the constant friction from the hats has rubbed most of the hair off of his head. Also, he has hydrocephaly.

Anonymous said...

abuelito dime tu......................

Anonymous said...

Sadly, Eugene "The Conductor" Tweed, died from massive brain hemorrhaging, when the grapefruit sized tumor in his head ruptured. His legacy lives on though, before he died he had the Guinness Book of World Records title for 'Largest Trainset in North America'. His train track extented for more than 2 miles in and around his 10 acre estate.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, Eugene "The Conductor" Tweed, died from massive brain hemorrhaging, when the grapefruit sized tumor in his head ruptured. His legacy lives on though, before he died he had the Guinness Book of World Records title for 'Largest Trainset in North America'. His train track extented for more than 2 miles in and around his 10 acre estate.

Anonymous said...

...the unacknowledged nephew of Dwight, Emo Z. Eisenhower is the Worm Farm King of Pustule, PA.
Competitive Bass Derby fishermen seeking an edge are responsible for the 70% increase in priority mailings from the Pustule post office. While Emo rose only to a Seaman Apprentice rank before his dishonorable discharge after 73 days in the Sea Scouts, he points out that his pension is assured by his 1/4 acre and 167,000 "employees"...

Anonymous said...

Hey! That's not a forehead....That's a FIVE-Head!!!

Anonymous said...

Elmer came to Hollywood to make it big. It worked.

Anonymous said...

forehead looks like a drive-in movie screen

Anonymous said...

if you like my forehead you should see my moose nuckle

Anonymous said...

Love-child of Gilbert Godfrey & a beluga whale

Anonymous said...

He looks like "Mr. Roger's Retarded Neighborhood". A remake of Mr. Roger's neighborhood specially dedicated to people suffering from Down Syndrome.

Anonymous said...

.... Welcome to the Twilight Zone... (cue creepy music)

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