Thursday, November 29, 2007

He looks like Sonny, who at 45 years old, still lives with his mother in a modest trailer home down by the river. She had put up with having to cook for him and clean up after him, but after all these years and Sonny still insisting that she dress him every morning as well, at 74 years old, she finally decided to do what she should have done in the beginning--she waited until Sonny drank himself unconscious on Wild Turkey, then paid the two teenage boys next door to haul him into the city and drop him off on the church steps in hopes that the kind Sisters of St Mary would take him in. She took comfort in the fact that since Sonny had never been more than 2 blocks away from his own home, the bastard most likely wouldn't be able to find his way back home.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

He looks like he's taking sexy back. Sorry JT.

Monday, November 19, 2007

He looks like Mortivius (aka Todd), who slayed the dreaded Lord Bentamar in the epic battle of Ragonton to free the Plasivian slaves whose children held in their voices through song the ability to unlock the magical chest of the Grand Wizard Trominic of Frandolfur that contained the golden dagger of the Order of Hyanda, enabling the carrier to achieve level fourteen Dragon Stealth. But he had to go home shortly after because he has Calculus homework, and his stepmom found out he was wearing her good church skirts to the park and grounded him, so he'd better get home before she gets off work from the Big Lots.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

She looks like a drama queen.

Friday, November 16, 2007

She looks like that hot Asian girl you met on the sidewalk outside the bar at closing time who you were lucky enough to talk into going home with you. Except this is how you remember her looking. You have no idea how you woke up naked this morning with your arms around an obese, bearded homeless man with facial boils and what appeared to be a complete indifference to bladder control.

But he did make you pancakes. That was kind of cool.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

He looks like R Kelly version 5.2. He's time-traveled from the year 2033 to warn himself to stop pissing on underaged girls during sex because in the future when the world is under martial law and technology and robots rule the world, "them 14 year olds grow up to have themselves a real fucked up sense of payback."

Monday, November 12, 2007

He looks like a harp who's only dating her because he heard she does anal.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

They look like the cause of little Billy Stanton's lifelong terror of boobs. What started as a family effort to help him with his 3rd grade science project, quickly turned into an unforgettable night when a combination of glue fumes and poor ventilation made the women giddy. Billy was arrested 14 years later in the French Quarter of New Orleans when he reflexively punched an intoxicated young woman who, thinking he was cute, suddenly appeared before him and flashed him. As officers led him away, witnesses claimed he was in tears and remorseful, muttering, "They never give you a choice....those crazy bitches just never give you a choice."
They look like...having your first lesbian encounter can be really awkward if your dad just won't leave the room.

Friday, November 09, 2007

He looks like after presenting at his ob/gyn for the 4th time in 3 weeks with complaints of severe, throbbing breast pain, the doctor shaved Jeff's chest into bra which quickly eased his symptoms and improved his quality of life.

"How did you know that would work?" the nurse asked the doctor after showing him the thank you card from Jeff with this happy picture printed on the cover.

"He's a man who keeps showing up at the ob/gyn. Sometimes you just have to treat delusion with delusion."

"Brilliant," said the nurse, as she took off her scrubs and let the wise old doctor have his way with her on top of his desk, which was their custom on Wednesdays when he could stay late at work while his wife attended her weekly bridge game.