Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Posted by Hello

He looks like the best years of his life were spent as a roadie for Lynard Skynard, when rock n' roll was his soul, whiskey was his blood and the opening chords of "Freebird" made his testicles shudder with pure sappy sentiment. He'd had his share of laughs and sorrows and mother-daughter threesomes on the road until that fateful plane crash in '77 killed three members of the band and left him devastated. He returned home to nurse a broken heart and a severe disillusionment with God.

These days, he owns a local bar in Delmar, Alabama that proudly serves beer out of 12 oz. cans, where the confederate flag hangs proudly in the back window of his pick-up, and his mutt, Lucy, sleeps faithfully at his side. Some call him a local legend, while others call him that weird feller who wears 'em roadkill on his hat. But mostly, they know him as that guy who's usually too pissed drunk to even know his own name and usually breaks down weeping uncontrollably if anyone is sadistic enough to put on some Lynard in the juke.

Incidentally, the man seated next to him feels smug in thinking that no one knows he's wearing a toupee, and sometimes he'll pee himself just a little bit just to see if anyone notices.

24 comments:

Amanda said...

Nope, this is Alan. I spent three beer-fuzzy drug-hazy years married to him. It's not Skynard that's his passion, but AC/DC. He prides himself in his best talent: being able to tell Bon Scott from Brian Young in the vocals of different songs. He plays a really mean air guitar, too. However, his obscene obsession with seeing Angus Young playing guitar in his underwear led to our marriages' ultimate demise. He has been tossed from many parties for his rendition of "I've Got Big Balls" while being accompanied on an accoustic guitar.

Anonymous said...

He looks like he's holding someones wallet. Bird Dog (Hat) and Crazy Mort (Toup), are an up and coming pickpocket team working the Florida carnival circuit.

Mort "stalls" the victim with his "Where's the naked broads at?" shtick. Then Bird Dog "dips" for whatever is in the victim's "easiest" pocket.

"I been stuck by more damn needles than John Belushi" exclaims Bird. "But tonight I got me a wallet with 11 dollars and it's beers for everyone!"

The Chief said...

He looks like my alcoholic friend's dad.

Blog ho said...

he looks like that one brittish guy who kept forgetting the fuck you sign in England was the revers of the peace sign. Reverse, Steve, reverse.

Anonymous said...

I think he looks like one of the old guys who goes to the bar all day and tells you stories about his crazy life full of drugs sex and rock n roll... While ordering another round foreveryone

Anonymous said...

Bill, come home; The kids keep asking for their daddy. (I think that's Bill's arm; is that a Pabst Blue Ribbon?)

Anonymous said...

he looks like he lives in his memories (Jack Daniels), in his old free basing hell's angels days. every day seems more euphoric, nah it's just the jack

Anonymous said...

He looks like a guy thats name is Ralph. This "claims to be only 47" year old guy hangs out at the bar at 6 o'clock, before anybody gets there. He stays there getting drunk until the bartender has to kick him out for pissing on the pinball machines around 8, but once he stayed until around 3 in morning. He's the typical guy talking about "oh yeah I remember back in '69 when I saw Jimmi Hendrex and it was only 10 bucks." He trys to talk to the young people that are there, trying to act all cool with the whole "you know Judas Priest is coming out with a new record soon, do you listen to Judas Priest?" He has no friends because he spends all of his time at that bar down the street, trying to be "cool." One day he will die of alcohol poisoning at that exact bar. R.I.P Ralph!!!

portuguesa nova said...

I heart this site.

Scott said...

You know you're in Alabama when the bar decor is plywood.

ysfb said...

C'mon, update your freakin' blog!! That guy looks like the long lost member of YMCA.

Nick said...

He looks like whenever anyone says "we're taking a picture" he smiles and hopes he's in it. He got lucky on this one. He's also pretty happy because the beers are free. He doesn't know the rest of these guys too well but he'll leave before things get out of hand.

Anonymous said...

Billy-Bob thought things were going pretty well for him-he'd found a place to drink where his odd clothing and the greasy motorcycle he parked outside didn't seem to bother anyone. Not only that, but the Pabst and the Kessler (guys that look like that don't have the $$$ to drink Jack Daniels) were cheap...

However, shortly after this picture was taken, Billy-Bob made the mistake of replying "Ass, gas or grass-nobody rides for free" when the waitress jokingly asked him for a ride on his bike, whereupon her three 350 pound redneck truck-driving cousins drug his ass out the back door, broke three ribs, two fingers, a cheekbone and parts of the few teeth he had left, and then for good measure gave him a buzz cut with his own Buck knife.

He now works as a janitor at the porno shop down the street, mopping out the movie booths after the customers finish their business.

Anonymous said...

lol- ass, gas, or grass! that's a good one!

Anonymous said...

Things have never been the same for poor Roadkill since the bike club threw him out for making sexual advances at all the fellow member. Now he sits at Moe's bar hoping for the love of his life to walk in, but only no good worthless old men with toupe's come to that bar. He sits there everynight wondering about the prospect of turning totally gay and will his mother still love him for it.

Anonymous said...

y od Shannon, it has been so long. I never thought That it would take so long for you to clear out that shop and build your own bar but damn it son it looks Like you came through! Now I know that that is not Gordon over there, when in the hell did he decide to get a rug??? I always liked the chrom dome myself. Tell Wayne that he can quit hiding from the camera now, they found out who was "touchin" them little girls over on Mc Arthur street and no one could believe that it was that little feller what looked like a troll who beat up his mamma, oh yeah, Garlnd Dean!! Any how give our regards to Tommy there and give him arest okay, I told him you would not mistreat him!! (Is he still living in that box)? Give our love to everybody, and I hope to see you soon!!
Love Bill & Hilary

Anonymous said...

LOSER

Anonymous said...

He looks like he just got out of prison. His clothes the ones he was wearing that fateful afternoon. As if the memories were as impossible to forget as the blue and brown tattoos he got to solidify his place in the prisons social order, he remembers the shots of bourbon, the screams of the children on his bus - a mid-afternoon shuttle to the museum, that horrible smell and sound of wheels locked in a struggle against the momentum of 45 miles an hour.

His friends bring him his favorite hat, or so he remembers, from so long ago. They buy him a tall boy and few songs from the jukebox. He regales them with thrilling and violent images from a past he invented during long lonely nights. He tells them in prison he demanded respect and got it. He wasn't a shot caller, but he knew them and was loved by them. He thrived behind the walls. The truth lies far from that. He wore a snitch jacket and was the victim of rumors surrounding his crime. There were children involved, but not the way some convicts imagined. Surely, they thought, a simple car accident - even one with a bus load of screaming kids, couldn't warrant the 6 to 25 he got. The 12 he did. He couldn't convince them that the DA made an example out of him. That the case was all over the news, which they knew, but that the DA was trying to make himself a career out of it.

He had no choice but to turn tricks for the prison administration. They threatened to make the rumors real, to throw a kite for medication given to sexual offenders with his name on it. The news would hit the yard and he would be done for. No, he had little choice.

That's not what he tells he's friends. He tells them the imagined adventures he often fell asleep to.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I know this guy his name is Wayne. I used to live with him before I met my old man. I met him at the county fair two years ago. He was running the Twister. He let me on for free. Later that night we drove to the county line to get some beer and we stopped at his friend Tim's camper to get some crystal. I went back with him to his van and I stayed the weekend with him. He got drunk and told me how his Mom's old man used to beat the shit out of her she left him at his grandma's when he was 11. He never saw her again. He only thinks of her when smells the mix of wiskey and hairspray (probably why he liked me). He dropped out of school in 7th grade. He worked at the grain silo almost 3 years until he met some slut named Tracy. She talked him into moving to Reno. I think they have a little girl named Harley. He caught her cheating with manger of the Denny's she worked and he took off. He went back to Arkansas but couldn't find a job. So he robbed a gas station but they caught him up at the motel. He did a year in county. He was glad to have that carnie gig when i met him. It kept him out of trouble and he was saving up money to go see his little girl. Two days after I met him I was got so fucked up I lost him the crowd getting out of the demoliton derby. I never saw him again.

Anonymous said...

This is Calvin Nouman. Poor Calvin was born with a disease that cased the last two fingers and thumb of his right hand to be fused to the bones of his metacarpals. Although he was always unable to write with that hand, he found that he could hold a beer quite well with it, and so, at the ancient age of five, poor Calvin was an alchoholic.
By the time he was ten, he'd taken up smoking as well. He'd go through ten cigarettes a day using his wasted hand. His friends all thought that he was 'da bomb', a term all of them had heard but none of them really understood.
He's had that long hair since he was twelve, when he decided that he no longer wanted to be a man. Unfortunately, due to his various genetic defections, his body was ineligeable for the surgery to correct this grevious mistake on the part of his creator. Instead, he was merely butt-raped by the drunkards in the bathroom of his favorite bar.
He was fully sexually dormant at the age of fifteen. Some said that he'd spent his energy on those late night trysts with the drunken men of O'Charlies Bar and Grill. But the real truth was, due to his malformations, Calvin actually had the genetalia of a fifty year old man. Luckilly, he found that half a shot of tequilla laced with peach shnappes every night had amasing restorative powers upon his penis, although, it also led to patches of baldness on his scalp. To cover these he began wearing a flamboyant cowboy hat.
To tell about Calvin's parents, one must understand only one word... Moonshine. But not only moonshine. Calvin's parents made moonshine out of the very plants used to make psychotropic drugs, resulting in extreem hormonal changes in their bodies which eventually led to their traumatizing deaths at Calvin's graduation.
Poor Calvin never got over his parents unexpected demise. He is still mourning... hence all the black... Now, Calvin lives with Bill Genou. He is sitting on the right wearing the blue sweater. He is very sexually active and has regained all of his hair... he has also discovered that his own semen is a hair restorative product, though it results in the toupee-like hair seen on his lover. Calvin is fourty-nine and very polite and withdrawn. He likes horseback riding and ass fucking... but other than that, he is a very laid back guy with a penchent to romance and cheap beer.

Anonymous said...

Hey have a great day, I'll be back to see yours again too. :)

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Anonymous said...

Frank shows how many times Marv Albert, (to his left), bit him on the back, while he was trying to urinate in the restroom.

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