Saturday, January 08, 2005


Posted by Hello

He looks like Steve “Chi-Chi” Callahan, the All-Pro NFL defensive end who’s sick and tired of certain speculations that are being made in the media. Callahan is best known for leading all defensive players in tackles and pass interceptions for the last three straight seasons, but these impressive stats are too often overlooked in favor of certain frivolous whisperings. Yes, Callahan is often seen on the sidelines, sporting a bare midriff. But what the public seems to not understand, is just how realistically hot it gets in those uniforms. Even in -12 degree weather. This “questionable” look serves a practical purpose which the gossip-starved public seems too maliciously fond of neglecting.

Yes, Callahan’s elaborate, 17-minute touchdown dance, professionally choreographed by the same dance specialist who’s worked with Ashlee Simpson, Justin Timberlake and Color Me Badd, is the most gratuitous the league has ever seen. But this celebratory act is the mark of a professional, who understands that fans pay good money to be entertained.

Other players have often complained that he is always quick to jump onto a pile, often unnecessarily, even after the play has been stopped. “100% intensity,” responds Callahan as he irons a seamarine silk ascot in front of his locker before a game. “That’s how you have to handle every moment of the game. Even if the ball is dead, you’ve still gotta get on top of that writhing, muscular pile. In this business, there’s little room for mistakes.”

Plexiglass Simmons, Callahan’s teammate and roommate on the road, laughs off the speculations. “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with Chi Chi. He’s just a guy who works hard and plays hard. Yeah, he’s different and a little strange, and I never met anyone who liked hanging out in the saunas so much, but that’s just white folks for ya.”

Last week, Fox Sports aired Callahan’s Beyond the Glory documentary, where Callahan showed his sensitive side. When asked about rumors that actor Jude Law had threatened him with a restraining order after he had sent him numerous lengthy letters and lavish gifts, Callahan broke down into tears. “If a man respects another man for mastery of his craft, does that automatically mean he’s making unwanted advances towards him? Because another man has incredibly delicate skin and the most perfectly shaped mouth, does that mean I want to ravage his smooth, limber body with a Coke bottle until he whimpers? I’m so tired of this! I’ve been linked to Paris Hilton for god’s sake! I’ve been photographed eating watermelon like I’m giving it cunnilingus! What more do you want from me?!?!?"

When told of Callahan’s comments on the show, team general manager Alvin Scottsdale just sighed and shook his head.

14 comments:

bunny said...

Wow - I thought you'd posted a publicity still for the famous gay porn movie Wide Receivers and Tight Ends.

B said...

You forgot that he was asked by each and every member of his college team, including all coaches and booster to declare for the draft early.

He has not been invited to a single team function and has not had a person occupy a locker neighboring his since his rookie season, when he offered to lather up all the veterans in the shower and then proceeded to walk naked into the middle of the locker room and shout "huddle up on me boys, we need to talk this over."

He has since knitted each and every member of the team a sweater to appologize and is offering to "snaz up" the players lounge with a few design ideas. He is however team leader during stretching drills due to his incredible flexibility but hasn't played this season since trying to swallow a popsicle whole a bet. He did it but the stick became lodged in his throat and had to be removed surgically.

Anonymous said...

He looks like he's been wearing the same size helmet since little league. You may want to go up a size pal. Your cranium needs room to grow. While you at it, get a longer shirt from the locker room. No one needs to see that out on the field unless your trying to catch the eye of the "Tight End" if you know what I'm saying. Fruit, need I say more?

Anti-Blogger said...

I...I...I think I am in love. With that watermellon. Hmmm...I love that watermellon.

Jonathan S. said...

This is a publicity still for Cordele, Georgia Chamber of Commerce. Cordele: The Watermelon Capital of the World.

Nick said...

"This watermelon first, and then YOU, big boy."

Brian said...

Dude, I was thinking that those touchdown dances must get him a lot of "delay of game" penalties.

Anonymous said...

Offensive players do not make interceptions (They make receptions), and only make tackles if the opposing defense has intercepted a pass or recovered a fumble.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Where's the Fried Chicken to go with this ??

Anonymous said...

mmmmmm...beefy!

Anonymous said...

"Spank me - I've been naughty!"

Morgana Anakina Black said...

This young athlete is the lover of young actor Daniel Rathcliffe, the boy that interprets the character Harry Potter. He is juggling of course because his actual true love is Chris Columbus the ex-director and now executive of Warner Brothers. Tom Felton is also one of "his boys".
--Note--: This is an actual rumor on set and I expect people to pry into the business of this production because there are definitely stories running on.

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