Thursday, December 09, 2004


Posted by Hello

She looks like someone who was permanently traumatized when her parents sat her down on the night of Halloween when she was 9, as she eagerly waited in her superhero outfit to go trick-or-treating, and told her they were getting a divorce. Because daddy is a cheating son-of-a-bitch homosexual. She never did get to go out trick-or-treating that night, as her mother quickly packed her and all her stuff up into the station wagon and peeled out of the driveway, accidentally hitting and killing her cocker spaniel Cuddles in the process. The psychological trauma of this series of events was never dealt with, because she was quickly plunged into the hell of tenements, welfare and food stamps as her mother had no bankable job skills other than giving a mean blowjob, which was something she fortunately discovered with the help of a kind, drag queen living next door. She went through life lost and numb, until one day, at the age of 14, while going through some old boxes looking for something of value to hawk on the street to trade for food as she hadn't eaten in days and her mother hadn't been home in weeks, she found her superhero costume from that fateful night so many years ago. And then it all flooded back...the fear...the anger...the confusion...and most importantly, the pain...of a girl interrupted. Something in her brain shortcircuited as she squeezed into the costume and for the first time in years, felt empowered and alive. She disappeared from her house, prancing the streets of Chicago for days, performing mindboggling deeds of "superhuman" wonder with a wand made from a toilet plunger handle with a used condom wrapped around its end and wearing a tiara made of take-out foil, until the cops picked her up and sent her to a psych hospital. No one ever came to claim her and she became a ward of the state. To this day, she still walks the halls of the hospital, asking to be referred to as Girl Wondrous and speaking with an inconsistent Medieval accent. She refuses to wear anything but her superhero outfit, but the kind nurses who have watched her grow up in the hospital pitch in every year to replace her costume when the old one gets worn out. Somewhere along the course of things, she was discovered to be pregnant, but the hospital is keeping this quiet to avoid scandal. When asked who the father is, she always replies with a faraway blissful look in her eyes, "He's someone magical." Staff and fellow patients have been warned against teasing her in regards to if the father is Superman, as these questions promptly cause her to erupt violently, screaming, "Superman is a cheating son-of-a-bitch homosexual!!" while attempting to bludgeon the enquirer with the giant, yellow foam finger that the hospital has allowed her to wield as her super-weapon.

14 comments:

Pisser said...

She flunked out of the Barbizon School of Modeling as a teenager and has been in a suicidal depression ever since which she has only survived due to heavy doses of lithium combined with one of her more upbeat mulitple personalities, "Shiny the Space Girl", who is very perky and likes to pogo at parks in public.

On Sundays, she ODs on Pixie Sticks and shoots pretend lightning bolts up people's asses. Eventually she is hauled off to the Loony Asylum for Ex-Cheerleaders and Disgruntled Teenage Models. On Fridays, she is released and the cycle repeats itself.

Anonymous said...

She's posing as a retarded cheerleader in order to entice a football team to ravage her.

mario* said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA.
In reality she is an entertainer from Mexico. Very popular among kids (I still don't know why)
This is her website:

http://www.tatiana.tv

Anonymous said...

wait, isn't that elizabeth berkley? hehehe

Anonymous said...

jajaja is the sister of juan mamon palacios

Anonymous said...

hey by ne chance is her father carl da caretaker from da story above??????

Anonymous said...

Born in 1960 of Italian immigrant parents she ran away from home at the age of 16, rinsed her mousy hair a vibrant red, changed her name to Bridget and proceeded to run amok on the underground rock scene. In 1989 finding herself an aging groupie in need of stability, she married a third rate guitarist from a fourth rate barband who taught her to play bass.This union produced an infant and another band- both stillborn.Her fondness for platform boots was the cause for many snickered nicknames, chief among them 'Gene Simmon's illegitimate sister'.Postpartum depression followed by a psychotic break led to frequent stays at the local loony bin. After which she found herself living in her car outside of a crummy dive bar where ancient townies drink flat Pabst Blue Ribbon by day and lousy bands play strictly 'for the exposure' by night. Her next move was to shack up with the soundman,a long haired junkie 8 years her senior who she says,"looks like Neil Young-only way cooler." The photo from Halloween 1991 shows a much happier Bridget, 6 months pregnant, before the twin lifelong bouts of mental illness and anorexia.

Anonymous said...

Oh the eighties were a truly unkind decade.

Anonymous said...

She's a former children's librarian who was tortured one to many times by someone asking her how to find the Frizzy Sparkling Grammatical Erring Zebras. She has decided to take revenge on all humankind because of this. In her spare time she tells people to follow the Yellow Sick Toad.

Anonymous said...

She looks like a combination of Elizabeth Berkley in show girls and Molly Shannon from Superstar which both sucked. If she is trying to hit it big you would have a better chance in some other lame movie.

Anonymous said...

Its The Human Fruit Fly. Her super power, to convert straight men gay with her wide eyed optimism and ability to NOT put out even after trays of buttery nipples.

Her high pitched giggles can send dogs into hysterics where are they hers to control, just so no one cracks another dumb joke.

Unfortunately she was defeated in battle by the fab 5. Her remains were interred under her secret identity, Liza Minnelli.

Anonymous said...

She looks like a dancer on Brittany Spears new tour - PREGNANT AND proud

Anonymous said...

i have a three year only daughter, and i was searching under new york city modeling agency and i was wondering if anyone knew anything about **baby-modeling **. i think it would be fun

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