Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Posted by Hello

He looks like Carl, the superintendent of an apartment building just blocks away from the campus of a major American university. The sight of his opened flannel shirt and his cutoff shorts is a normal one around the building, as, even if everything is in working order, he likes to wander the halls, asking every young female resident he sees if she needs "a lil' help with her plumbing," as he strokes the handle of the hammer that hangs on his tool belt. He claims his plethora of body hair makes him so hot that he's unable to keep his flannel buttoned, which, while strange in winter, is thoroughly unpleasant in the sweltering summers, where the smell that wafts from his chest earns reviews of "smells like wet dog," "I think something died in there," "My granddad's colostomy bag smells better." He routinely likes to let himself into girls' apartments when all the kids are away on winter break, inhaling the clean scent of their intimate wear as he presses them to his face, masturbating into orange juice cartons and sitting on their couches naked while watching Nascar. No visit can begin or end without him compulsively rubbing every bathroom and desktop item that isn't bolted down against his testicles. While Carl carries around the smug conviction that no one has any idea of his delightful covert activities, many have suspected his perversions when they return from vacation to find a mysterious musty smell clinging to even the most innocuous items. He is finally caught one day by the mousy girl in 4B, who came home early after her devoutly religious family's Christmas was ruined by her sister's announcement of not only being a lesbian, but of having a black girlfriend as well, only to catch him with her toothbrush jammed deeply up his ass. He was immediately arrested. For years to come, neighbors who were present that fateful afternoon would recount Carl's final angry yet eloquent words before the cops jammed him into the back of the police cruiser..."My only problem is that I love too much. And if that's a crime, then you, me and everyone else in this world all deserve to be behind bars." God bless you, Carl. I hope you someday learn how to tie your shoe.

24 comments:

Pisser said...

Oh dear G*d in Heaven. I am coming to you now as I have unwittingly seen the Eighth Wonder (Horror) of the World and can not get "Freeballing" by Tom Petty and the Ballsniffers out of my head.

If you do not call me to Your side quickly, Lord, I am going to have to gouge my eyes out with this Epilady.

Avatar said...

Jeebus Tap-dancing Christe!

Pardon me while I go dunk my head in a bowl of lye to cleanse my mind of that image.

3am wanderer said...

Patrick, that's hilarious. He was sentenced to a life trapped in animation.

Brendan said...

I don't see him that way, and that's the beauty of poetry and art: everyone interprets it differently.


He's straight out of a West Side Highway gay biker bar, having just returned from a "cubs and bears" gathering. And he's got a night of fisting on his mind. hahaha :)

Pisser said...

How do you fist through all that HAIR?! :\

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Anonymous said...

I love you Julia!

Canoes under my shoes said...

Definately a bear...one gay phenomenon I will never understand...among many.

Anonymous said...

Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuz A Bear

Ellie said...

The sad thing is, he thinks he's hot!

Anonymous said...

peludo pero bien pompudo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The missing link between monkey and man.

Anonymous said...

He looks like the guy who got a hankerin' for the man-love after serving two years for domestic violence or a low level sex offense. Don't call him gay or he will rape you. Of course he'll say he doesn't like it - it is just an alpha male prison power move. He now lives with his mother and parties with the local teenagers.

Anonymous said...

Buck Naked, Georg Castanza's alter ego.

Anonymous said...

Saddam's "other" son that no one talked about. Yougay

Anonymous said...

He looks like his name is Andy, and he is too scared to tell his parents that he is actually a gay porn star named "Chevy Shabaz" He once played "The Construction Worker" from the village people at a halloween party in 1989. He got so drunk on wine spritzers and vodka, he woke up in a dumpster out in LA 2 weeks later with a "Wham!" shirt on and a used condom in his pocket.

Anonymous said...

how many of you went back and looked to see if his shoe was untied?

Anonymous said...

When Saddam got sent to Abu Ghraib, the prison guards thought it was fun to dress him up like one of the Village People. The Red Cross put a stop to this after Saddam complained that he never got to be the fireman.

Anonymous said...

The black sheep of the family

Anonymous said...

He looks like bummed out stunt double for 1970'S Version of Planet of the Apes. Or should I say, "Playmates of the Apes"?

Anonymous said...

those Daisy Dukes have turned into Boss hogs

Anonymous said...

I did go back to look at his shoelaces. But do you see his hair. haha. Did i make you go back and look?

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